I think about you… but I do not think about you. Where are you? Where do you really exist? Can I really sometimes feel you? Are you there? Being a young girl and you taken from me, I wondered why? Did I really want this? Is this the life I created for myself? Why would I not want you around when I was just 15 years young?
I remember some things about you, very little though. Banging me and my siblings’ heads together for us to make up after our typical sister fight, OUCH! I absolutely learned my lesson. I do remember all the hugs, kisses and love you provided. You love me, I know you do. You always told me, “A hug a day keeps the loneliness away,” and you also practiced it often with me. We had lots of little secrets we shared together. And you definitely knew how to make me happy with just your presence, just being around you and hanging out was my fun. I am not so much sure now being that I “miss” you. Of course I do…but I forget what it is like to miss you due to not remembering what it is like to be around you. Your voice, sometimes I think I can remember it, other times, I have not a clue. I guess it all depends on my brain that day, maybe my heart was not fully tuned in on my “off” days I may have.
Thirty… I am 30 years young. At fifteen I lost your physical body as being a mother to me. And I have only known you 15 years. That is how long I have basically known my partner, Brian. I have been with him for 13 years. Him and I share your four-year-youngin’ grandson together, Brian Edison. I think about how you are not here for me to see you two together. Or meet Brian. That makes me sad. Actually I am tearing up now. I barely tear up talking about you anymore, thinking about you, whatever… but maybe I am having an emotional day today… been a bit moody…but maybe that is because I knew I was going to write this, although I did not know until a couple of seconds before typing this. I just thought about you and this is what is flowing through me. Your death allowed me to have many challenged obstacles… but maybe if I would have chosen more wisely, my teenage years and young adulthood would have been a smoother ride. I didn’t cope effectively after I seen you take your last breathe, and then having to say goodbye to you as you were lying there in a casket. Ahh!! That is the worst… really… why did I even have to see that? Or how about “death” being celebrated due to having a precious gift called life on this earth? Everyone mourns when they lose someone, yes, that is healthy and good, but I believe we should celebrate ones being able to have this opportunity to live out a life in a human body…
My mother, she died at age 47 due to cancer. Watching what it did to my mother—she was in good health, good condition, over periods of time; she would become more ill, less her, a stranger. I am not sure how I felt then but I know I was sad inside. After her death, I expressed myself through writing poems, writing in my journal, drew, sketched, I even designed my photo albums as a hobby. I was into a lot of music, learning the words, writing them down. I also made choices to harm myself and others through my behaviors. Simply put, I did a lot of fucked up things in my time. I believe with all of those obstacles put in my path, maybe they came to me to teach me what I knew. It had to hit home and stay in home. And the only way was to make choices that were not for my best good but my experiences are what make me who I am today and I am extremely happy. I am happy because I draw, sketch, write, I even paint and I am a photographer. I love capturing a moment, how precious and sweet, time caught in a still moment; my life’s special moments. Although I took a detour after your passing, I took a break from all the artsy stuff I love and lived a zombie’s life due to my ‘bad’ choices I made.
With all that I have been through, not surprising you were taken from me earlier in life; I needed your protection, guidance and support mother. I know I am working my way closer to you; to continue on being curious… like ‘Curious George’… a book you read to me often as a little girl, as my son loves the books and shows and movies too! We really do cross paths again…somehow, someway, everything, all, just so happens to meet up, yes? This journey I am on can be quit confusing, frustrating and at the same time it is enjoyable and I do love finding and creating me. How neat is it that I believe we can create our reality just by our thoughts, our actions, our feelings, our emotions, our attitudes, and our behavior? Whelp, at least this is true for me. And I believe my mother is now in a whole other place, a place filled with so much bright color, possibly a rainbow heaven.
I love John Lennon, I listened to him earlier in the car today, and then I seen photos of him through an acquaintances photo. When I seen the photo of the word “dreamer,” it came across me that we dream our own lives, not to let anyone…mass media, TV, radio, whatever or whoever it is to make you think you cannot dream and live big… or little. It is your choice. Your destiny. Your life. [Now say it out loud in first person: It is MY choice! MY destiny! MY life!] I am curious if my mom ever liked and listened to The Beatles and John Lennon. Maybe she guided me to them being that I only became obsessed with John and the Beatles a couple years ago. Powerful messages and words they send out.. I love John Lennon’s “The Wheels” and “Imagine”… Imagine. That is all we have to do to create anything we want for ourselves. Imagine whatever it is and then play and live it out, yes? Yes! Again, this is coming from my personal experiences with my life. All of my words are, especially this blog. I been through some hard times; but I look back and would not change a thing because it was all made for me to learn from. I can still say in my present day, “Oh no, I am not doing that again!” I use my past experiences to support me in deciding what is best for me. Yet, I still do live openly. I love trying new things, I am very spontaneous, and I love nature. I feel connected when I am surrounded in good energy as I always am. I believe we all have our very own lives, our journeys to be played out by our own true selves. I accept as is meaning whatever comes my way, I accept it. Of course, some experiences take me by surprise and have a little curve in my rainbow but I do not let it stop me from moving forward with my life…… Talking about moving forward, I allow all I have learned from my past experiences to move forward with me as I let go and release of all the unnecessary, unhealthy habits, behaviors and thoughts.
Each of our life’s purpose are different yet some may be similar but I believe deep down, my life’s purpose is to share my life stories to all. Although I was not sure of my purpose most of my life, this here; what I am doing now feels so right and oh so good. I was meant to tell my life stories and share the words that flow right on through me to the world.
Therefore, I share these thoughts with you, to everyone reading this now because whelp, I am sure someone can relate and feel me. We are all human; we all have our very own experiences, our very own feelings and emotions. There is no need to judge or compare one another’s life experiences… it not a competition, we all have different looking bodies, different characteristics, personality traits, and we surely all do not have the same perspective. We may also share similar feelings and emotions and stories on the manner… and this is what brings us together–talking about experiences, sharing wisdom and knowledge from one another… what better way to learn than from each other?! What we all do have in common is our pain and suffering; so why not release it to those who can relate and provide support? Please feel free to share your story in the comment box below or you can contact me via personally…. click HERE for my contact info; if you have any questions or thoughts I would love to chat with you.
With Deep Gratitude,
“They say you are not you except in terms of relation to other people. If there weren’t any other people there wouldn’t be any you because what you do which is what you are only has meaning in relation to other people.” -Robert Penn Warren
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOU CAN CREATE WHAT YOU WANT.