Life’s Purpose: Do You Know Yours?
All Rights Reserved. © Photo taken by Dianne Furphy.
I have been finding myself for the past 30 years…. And I am very grateful that I am growing closer to knowing me… knowing who “I Am.” I was lost for so many years, not knowing myself, not knowing who I am or what I am. It took me my past experiences to grow into the person I am today because I have learned from my past; I did not let my past define who I am. I learned from all of my mistakes, accidents, bad and even good choices. Before, I would just act and do without even putting any thought into it. I was living in a world that ate me up, little piece by little piece. I was living in a world of agony, a world of fear. I was numb due to the choices I made, I wasn’t aware or even knew what was going on because I wanted so much to be dead. Dead… I cannot believe I ever wanted to be dead. This life I have now has so much beauty in it. It has so much love; the kind of love that makes everything ok, even the really hard times. I never believed before. I didn’t think there was a God or anything bigger out there; I didn’t believe in myself. I just thought we just were; I was confused and did not know where to turn so I turned to the dark world of hate. Hate made me do some crazy things and it made my perception of life, of reality, a cold, cold world. The people who surrounded me were in need of help just as much as I was. My environment was so disrupted; it was corrupted to where the people who I love and who love me were disappearing little by little. Where was my father my whole life? Why didn’t my father want to be apart of his daughter’s life? “Because you weren’t meant to be a father?” Excuses! Why take away a mother of a teenage girl? I needed my mother more than anything. …And watching her take her very last breathe made me so distant to myself; it made me loose myself completely. I need to feel the love again. Please someone love me…
No support system, no pick-me-uppers, no such thing as love in my past. I kept striving and feening for attention, the attention to be loved again. So I turned to drugs for the love. The drugs never abandoned me. They were there when I needed them and they never let me down.
Cigarettes: After my mother passed away due to cancer, you would think I would learn my lesson and not touch a cigarette but nope, at 15 years young, I smoked my first cigarette. I guess I wanted some comfort and that’s what they did for me for the next 7 to 8 years of my life.
Xannax: they kept me numb. I would take them like they were candy because to me, xannax excited me; they easily became a part of me, a part of who I was. I needed xannax to live on a daily basis. They became my reality.
Ecstasy: this pill made me feel happy in my unhappy world. I “loved” everyone when I was on this pill… I believe it loved me too.
Alcohol: I would drink and drink and drink…drink some more until I was unaware of myself, my surroundings and my environment. I became Miss Invincible and thought I could take on the world when I drank…beer, liquor, whiskey, shots, wine… Give it all to me so I can become so intoxicated that I don’t feel a thing anymore.
Marijuana: Ahhh… one of my “best friends.” Oohh how this lovely green smoke became a natural part of my life. It opened me up to a whole new world… A world of thought, imagination and took me down off my angry side and allowed me to be calm and peaceful. This drug took away my natural feeling…of feeling.
We all have a story. But it depends on how you let your story play out… It’s all about how you accept; cope with it and how you behave as the table turns. I blamed and pointed the finger at everyone else for my pain, for my own sadness. Yet I never stopped to think it was all my doing; I just kept blaming and pointing the finger at the world and the people around me. Although I’m still working myself out of the darkness and I now know that I’m always one step closer to the light…the more I believe, the more I do me.
I am on the path of finally waken up. Awaken. Conscious. Aware.
Now, I found my calling; not exactly sure what it is but it sure is coming more clear to me about my life’s purpose the more I search. My soul is helping me find my way little by little. This spiritual journey has gotten me so much further than I ever have in my life.
Now I feel:
I feel all the good that a person can possibly feel. Thank you past experiences, for those obstacles and challenges. Thank you past experiences for all the good and ups I encountered. Thank you for the strength to overcome such difficult times because without you, I am a stronger person. …And thank you to my present, to where I live in the Now, one day at a time, and moment by moment. Thank you for all the love I receive and all the love I am able to send out. For me, Love & Gratitude are the answer. I say goodbye to my past and hello to a whole new future of the unknown; I welcome and embrace you. Thank you.
It is good to be Free!
May Love, Light and Peace be with you all forevermore,
Believe in yourself and you can Create What You Want. -Dianne Furphy.
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